The End…for now

A few nights ago, I attended my final birth. Blue Columbine Birth has closed its doors. It’s time to take this voyage of somatic healing and storytelling and coaching to the next level. I’m so excited to pour into it and so hopeful that I can pull from it what I need to meet my daily needs. But this week is about letting go of attending births as a midwife. This week is about allowing my system to settle after years of being on call. So many feelings! And yet, they all seem so far away. I know there is relief, and yet it feels unattainable as I’m worried about financial aspects of my journey. I know there is joy for all of the families I’ve walked with, and yet it is clouded as I judge myself for every single difficulty I experienced along the way. I know there is anger at a community who has never been fully supportive of each other, and yet it’s hard to even care about that right now. I know there is grief. The grief is so big. But even the grief feels dampened and far away. The thing is that I think I should be feeling more than I actually am. I think I will eventually feel more than I actually do right now. But at this moment, and every moment since I felt that final baby expand out into my hands, I feel nothing. I keep checking in with my system. Am I stuck in activation? Am I totally shut down? I don’t think so. I think that my system has been in overwhelm for so long with the requirements of solo private midwifery practice that it is just tired! Feeling requires energy that my system simply does not possess.

So now what? What do we do when the system is essentially exhausted? It’s time for self-care. I sure wish that involved a long retreat at a spa in the Mediterranean, however since that is not attainable, I’ll need to be a little more creative. First, I’m re-introducing daily meditation. Just 10 minutes each morning. I use an app on my phone, it’s simple and reliable. Studies show that meditation has many health benefits so that’s a nice bonus. But for me, just the act of that commitment to myself is enough. As soon as the tones begin to sound, I feel a sense of comfort settle over my being. It’s such a gift! I am also returning to nature on a level that I haven’t for a long time. Now that I don’t have to worry about cell phone service, I’m excited to plan more outings to disappear from all things electronic. Luckily in the Colorado Mountains, I don’t have to go far! I’m also going to enjoy more time with family without being tethered to my phone. Imagine a family dinner without the phone sitting next to me! And I’m going to rest, read, crochet and anything else that strikes me. I am so excited to pour into the Coaching. I can’t wait to see where that goes. But this week, I pour into me. And in that way I create more space to offer.